


I Feel It Too, Sometimes

by SandrC



Series: Not Another Fanfiction Collection [25]
Category: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: End of the World, What is a purpose, balnor is more sad than people remember, hes so lost, i love my bag dad, time travel sucks tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22689910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandrC/pseuds/SandrC
Summary: He saved them in Smuggler's Bounty. He remembered in the Faewild. He killed the Hounds twice over now.The world is ending and Balnor doesn't know what that means for him. He doesn't know what happens next.
Relationships: Balnor the Brave & Moonshine Cybin & Hardwon Surefoot & Beverly Toegold V
Series: Not Another Fanfiction Collection [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1312925
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	I Feel It Too, Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Last one! Had to get it up before naddpod dropped! I HAD TO.
> 
> Balnor is one or those people that I think a lot about and don't write too often, if that makes any kind of sense? Like...i have so many opinions. Like we forgot but his wife's name was Marianne and she was a better fighter than him. He lived in a future that won't exist — both because they stopped the inciting event to his hometown being formed, and because of Thiala going fucking Revelations on everyone's ass — and so that's got to be a lot of tense fuckery in his head at any one time.
> 
> And adding in the fact that he had a defined purpose from the get-go (someone to tip the scales, ever so slightly, in your favor) he is kinda....drifting all the time now. He sticks with the Boobs because they're all he has but how many times a day does he ask himself if he's useful. If he has a purpose. If he's even supposed to be here?
> 
> How many times a day us the answer no?
> 
> Anyway, come be sad about Balnor with me!
> 
> Title taken from "Everyone I Know (Will Die)" by Four Eyes, which is apropos.

What is his purpose?

_Why is he here?_

He's done what he was supposed to do, _right_? Kept them alive when they needed him. And now? _Now what?_

His world doesn't even _exist_ any more. His timeline doesn't exist, _won't happen_. They _made sure_ of that.

So _why_ does he keep going? _What_ keeps him going?

The easy answer—the _safe_ answer—is family. The easy answer is that his wife and children _have died_ and _won't exist_ in the same capacity as they had when he came from and now all he has is the family he has grabbed ahold of with grasping, begging, _terrified_ hands. The easy answer is that Hardwon and Moonshine and Beverly may not need _him_ , but _he needs them_ , and if they just ask, he'll come calling without a second thought. The easy answer is that he's made a home here, now, and he's not going to just abandon it without a second thought.

The more difficult and accurate answer is that he's afraid. He's never _not_ afraid. Since he was pulled from the Card he's been afraid—of going back to that dark magic place, of going back to the timeline where everyone he loves is dead, of forgetting everything again, of losing the people he loves once more—and it doesn't go away with time. It just gets louder and more real. More _realized_. And the only way to combat that is to be there to kill the fear with his own two hands. With the sword he still has the strength to swing.

" _Beverly might die_ " is overshadowed by the image of a child, sobbing as he sells his soul to negotiate his friend's lives back. " _Moonshine might die_ " is burned away by the memory of her insisting the Hellfire Crown rest on her head, eyes stern and far away. " _Hardwon might die_ " is just a loop of him taking blows for everyone else, falling down and getting back up, bloodier than before.

He's _always_ afraid.

He still doesn't know why he's here. He doesn't know his purpose. He is _so afraid_ and there are _so_ many reasons to be afraid every hour of every day. Especially now. But _he's here._

He wonders, late into the first night of the end of the world, if his presence here _means_ anything any more. If, because he kept them alive at Smuggler's Bounty, if he's done his duty. If he's just dead weight.

But Beverly is sixteen and only has his mother, who is _gods know where,_ worrying for her son who has gone to war.

But Moonshine is trying to hold the whole world up by herself and she'll _break_ without someone to relieve the pressure and take some of the burden.

But Hardwon is staring at the remains of his home and his face is tight and his hands shake when he thinks no one is looking, his smile wide and fake and _forced_.

So he thinks—maybe selfishly, but _fuck_ if he hasn't earned it—that he can stay and be here longer. That he can make his own purpose. That he can remain until he's dismissed.

So he thinks—probably childishly, but the world is ending so _who gives a shit_ —that he can be the blade that slits the throat of a dictator. That he can become a weapon pointed towards a grander goal.

So he thinks—dragging and clawing with hands bloodied from work, both dirty and hard—he can make his place in this world if he tries. That he can _make_ a place for himself with his actions and his words and his presence.

That he can stay because they _want_ him here, _not just_ because he's _useful_.

The world is ending and he is without purpose but he has not been dismissed, so he stays. The world is ending and he is afraid of what will happen if he goes with it, so he stays. The world is ending and he loves them too much, so he stays.

Even old men need to go to war. Even old men need to fight for their family. _Even old men—_

The world is ending and he stands, _praying_ that he will have a place in what comes next.


End file.
